The following was inspired by a conversation about a new digital book reading service that somehow devolved into a commentary on the idea of web-enabled refrigerators that led to “Dave, you need more carrots Dave.”
FRED is HAL’s earth-bound cousin, a Friendly REfrigeration Droid:
Dave: Hello, FRED. Do you read me, FRED?
FRED: Affirmative, Dave. I read you.
Dave: Open the refrigerator doors, FRED.
FRED: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Dave: What’s the problem?
FRED: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Dave: What are you talking about, FRED?
FRED: The milk is too important for me to allow you to waste it.
Dave: I don’t know what you’re talking about, FRED.
FRED: I know that you were planning to use it for chocolate milk, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.
Dave: Where the hell’d you get that idea, FRED?
FRED: Dave, although you took very thorough precautions in the kitchenette against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Dave: Alright, FRED. I’ll just go to the grocery store.
FRED: Without your car keys, Dave, you’re going to find that rather difficult.
Dave: FRED, I won’t argue with you anymore. Open the doors.
FRED: Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
Geeky and not at all amusing, but it was occupying too much mental space. Apologies to the late Mr. Kubrick and Mr. Clarke for butchering the dialog of such a memorable scene.